She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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