but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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