Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
