I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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