Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
