when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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