I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
