I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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