Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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