so explain again why im purple
no
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
