can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize