Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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