mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize