dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
