I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im holly from the hills drunk
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
