Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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