you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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