The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't deserve a penis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize