I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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