the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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