Ketchup is God's man juice
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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