White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Can Purell be used as lube?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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