Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
