my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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