I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I look better un-naked...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
