In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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