If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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