All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
