I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
