I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
