he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
