doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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