Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
