remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
