he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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