I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
