I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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