There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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