did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
