I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
