Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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