"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
