I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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