I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
