if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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