I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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