hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
