I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
