Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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