i used baking grease as lip gloss
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We left the knife in your bed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
