These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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