My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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