my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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