at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
