I am in a vortex of obligation.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
