if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
