By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize